How to Set Boundaries in an Age of Gentle Parenting
The NUMBER ONE topic that parents bring up with me is that they struggle to set boundaries in an age of gentle parenting. Preschool teachers are also telling me that parents are at their wits’ end. Overblown tantrums when trying to get kids in car seats, battles over what to eat for breakfast, and kids whining until they get what they want, are all driving parents bananas. I hear you.
But your kid CAN follow limits and you CAN be the kind of parent that sets sensible boundaries—in a gentle way.
The key? Practicing some simple, brain-based parenting strategies that guide children to develop self-control skills.
HERE ARE MY SEVEN SIMPLE IDEAS
Give Choices
Empowering children to make their own choices helps them to develop a sense of autonomy. IMPORTANT! Only give 2 choices that are acceptable to you. Examples: Do you want to clean up the trucks or the puzzle? Do you want to brush your teeth first or take a bath? Do you want to wash your own hands or do you want me to help? If your child doesn’t choose, simply say, “Okay, you don’t want to decide. Mommy will choose for you!” THE TRICK? Keep it light and fun. You are playing a game and inviting them to join in.
The Rule Is
One way to avoid a power dynamic, is to simply say: “The rule in our house is that we are kind to the puppy.” It’s not you, it’s the rule.
First, Then
If you want your child to comply with an important task, try a first, then strategy. “First sit in the carseat, and Then we will sing your favorite song.” or “First put on your shoes, and Then we will go to the park.
Connect to Redirect
This is the strategy that saved me during the toddler years. Dan Siegel and Tina Payne Bryson helped countless parents and teachers use this approach. When your child is having a hard time, try this: get eye-to-eye and lead with the emotion you notice. “It seems like you are really upset with your brother, but I can’t let you hit him. Let’s go take a break.” You are connected while setting a boundary and giving your child an opportunity to develop self-control.
Tell kids what you WANT them to do
Practice using language that focuses on what you WANT your child to do. For instance, instead of saying, “Don’t stand on the table.” TRY. “Tommy, feet on the ground.” Children will focus on your words, so if they hear “stand on the table”. . .they will do that! Where your focus goes, the energy grows—if you are focusing on what you WANT your child to do, their energy will follow.
Give Praise When Kids Are On Track
Notice your child being AWESOME! In order to encourage optimal behavior, we have to call it when we see it. “Rory, oh my gosh. You put away all of your toys! How did you do that?” If kids are getting attention for being on track, they will continue those behaviors that got them positive praise. Again, where your attention goes, the energy grows.
Have fun/Be Silly
If you don’t try anything else, try this. Having fun and being silly with our child primes them to connect to us (and possibly even comply with our requests!) Be saucy/silly—”I don’t think you can put away all of your toys!” or “Should we see how fast we can put the stuffies in the bin?” My fondest memories with my two kids are the races up the stairs to brush teeth that ended in fits of giggles. Ultimately, a joyful, lighthearted approach will make parenting more fun for you too!
PRACTICE
One of my favorite clients likes to call using new strategies PRACTICE. Setting boundaries well is practice, not perfect. Give one or two of these ideas a try and see what happens. YOU know your kid best and what will work.
REACH OUT!
Curious about how to implement these ideas? Want a thinking partner to help you make it happen? That’s what I’m here for! Sign up for a FREE Clarity Call to find out if parent coaching is right for you.
