The CLEAR Method: A Simple Way to Create Effective Boundaries
As a parent, you’ve probably experienced this: your child is upset, and you need to set a boundary—but how do you do it without shutting them down emotionally? Setting boundaries with warmth and connection doesn’t have to be a battle. Using a simple strategy like the CLEAR method can help you stay calm and keep your child feeling heard, while still sticking to your limits.
Emotions and Connection
There are a couple of important things to keep in mind with your young child. Children, especially young children, are driven to get their needs met through their EMOTIONS. AND, they want nothing more than to CONNECT to you. We can use these two ideas to create an effective boundary setting strategy.
What is the CLEAR Method?
C - Connect or Collect your tiny human
L - Lead with
E - Emotion
A - AND
R - Redirect
Here’s a breakdown of the CLEAR method.
Connect/Collect - For me this looks like: eye-to-eye, heart-to-heart, hand-in-hand. Your child is listening to you and looking at you. You are down at their level, not hovering above. Imagine scooping them up into your world.
Lead with Emotion - Leading with emotion means tuning into what your child might be feeling. Maybe they’re upset, frustrated, or confused, but they haven’t learned to express it yet. Acknowledge their emotional state out loud so they feel seen and heard. For instance, you might say, “I know you’re feeling frustrated because you didn’t get your way. It’s okay to feel mad.” This helps them feel like you understand them, even as you set the limit.hem, even as you the limit
And - The 'And' is your pause, where you give yourself a moment to breathe and reflect. This is your chance to acknowledge your own emotions—maybe frustration or impatience—and separate those from your child’s feelings. For example, you may say to yourself: “These are her emotions not mine, and I can do this.” Take a moment to collect yourself, then proceed with the redirection. Use this bit to pause and think about what you want your redirection to be.
Redirect- Be clear about what your child CAN and CANNOT do next. “I know you are mad at your sister, and that’s okay, but I can’t let you hit her. You may hit the pillow if you are angry.”
Practice setting a boundary
Now that you’ve got the CLEAR method in mind, it’s time to give it a whirl! Choose one to two moments in your day to practice setting a calm, but confident boundary. What did you notice about your child’s reaction when you led with empathy?
Allowing your child to experience frustration or disappointment is key to building resilience. Resist the temptation to try to FIX the situation by giving in on the boundary. Move on to something more fun and enjoyable once the wave of emotion has passed. YOU’VE GOT THIS!
